My last blog post, “Has All The Good I Have Accomplished Become Unraveled?” created a stir amongst its readers. I received many behind-the-scenes e-mails and tweets in reaction to the post. They ranged from, “It must be nice to know yourself so well.” To, “Thank you for the insight, it is helping me to understand the possibilities of what might be happening.” To “Your your blog has touched more people than you know, ” and simple statements such as, “I can totally relate.”
Many people have enquired as to whether or not I was able to consciously become aware of what this new shift is all about; which beliefs and patterns are dissolving. And so I thought I would write an update and bring everyone up to speed of my new awareness; trusting that my growth and understanding will touch those who relate.
This inner shift began sometime in June. It has been revealed to me that it will come to completetion by the end of the summer. The completion will set in motion a whole new pattern, belief system and way of being. I have been reassured time and time again by my Soul and The Tribunal that nothing has become unraveled. I’m on track, just clearing at a deeper cellular level.
What I have realized is that while I have healed many layers of negavity around patterns and beliefs about myself, body image and food, there still existed a belief system in which I was allowing food to control me, rather than me being in command of the food.
Due to this previously unexplored layer of my being, I had become strategic regarding outings and events involving food.
At home it’s easy to be conscious of the foods and amounts I consume. This awareness took hold years ago and remains firmly in place. But as soon as I was invited to someone’s home, to a restaurant or to an event involving food my consciousness waned. My beliefs and patterns around food were severely tested; often shaken and many times crumbled. I found that staying conscious around food during such times was incredibly challenging.
(As I write these words I am experiencing deja vu. I have written this post before and I am recalling it. In another reality or in my dreams in preparation I am unsure. Will explore later but now back to the post….)
As a result, I created a method of coping. I would stagger events, only accepting invitations involving food once or twice a month. If several came up all at once–which they always do–I would opt out of many with a lame excuse.
Some of you reading these words are thinking, “Really?” It’s hard for you to relate if you have never had issues with food and body image. I know that others are are reflecting on their own journey and thinking, ” I get it–I really get it.”
Several weeks ago someone on Twitter posted a tweet that went something like this: Would you ever not attend BlogHer because you had gained weight and didn’t feel good about yourself? (Blogher is a Blog Conference for Women)
The comments tweeted back in response ranged from –really? to encouragement that feeling fat shouldn’t be a reason to not attend the conference. I could see that the original tweeter was uncomfortable with the thread and as I watched the tweets fly back and forth I felt for the woman, because I knew exactly what she felt and where she was coming from.
I recently read in a women’s fitness magazine that 25% of all women surveyed would cancel a date because they felt fat. See I am not the only one and neither are you.
Since the time I was 11 years old and weighed my heaviest (about 240 pounds), I opted out of events because I felt fat, insecure and not good about myself. Many times I was at a healthy weight and looked fabulous but that didn’t matter. What mattered was how I felt.
One event that stands out was the wedding of my close childhood friend Grace Cirocco. She lived down the street and was like a big sister to me, helping me through some troublesome times. Ours dad conducted business together and Grace worked at our family fruit market. I adored her. I loved her. I looked up to her.
I believe I was in my early 20’s when she got maried and I was in one of my “not feeling good about myself” stages. Even though my dad and sisters were all going to the wedding, I came up with the excuse of “I can’t get off work,” because I was embarrassed. I was embarassed that I was fat and couldn’t find a dress to fit me. I didn’t want people to watch me eat at a wedding and say, “No wonder she’s so fat. Look at what she’s eating.” I didn’t want to be forced to dance at a wedding and have everybody look at me and say, “Look how fat she is.” These were the kinds of thoughts and feelings which were swimming around in my head.
I missed the wedding of one of my dearest friends and over the years missed dozens of other events. It was only in the past 3 years that I finally told Grace why I never attended her wedding. She had no idea. Nobody did. Not even me on a conscious level.
This whole pattern of being strategic around events with food began to unravel and heal itself over the past several years as I worked on myself and transformed an enormous amount of negative thinking. Then back in June it all came to a head as my Soul conspired with The Universe to clear it away once an for all.
This spring/summer season I have been blessed with invitations to a plethura of outings most involving food. I want to be at these gatherings and my Soul keeps nudging me forward. I chose not to opt out unless my personal time was affected.
And so I have been saying Yes and attending gathering after gathering. Enjoying myself, the company, conversation and the offerings. I have awakened consciously on a deeper level and I have taken a stronger command of my behaviors and attitude towards food. I’ve tested my awareness by placing myself in situations which previously I would have run from and have come out victorious. When it has been a bit shakey, I’ve regrouped–recommitted and moved on.
Now I am pleased to say I have broken the pattern of allowing food to control me in an area where formerly it held a stronghold. This past week I have felt the victory of this deeper shift and I am grateful. The messages being given to me have told me that the time for this shift was now because of something in the offing. Something which has yet to be revealed.
I’m going to allow this future situation to develop naturally, but stay tuned, there will be a post about it. For I know deep within my Soul that this summertime shift has been about much more then food and eating patterns, it’s shaping the future I am creating.