Control Issues? What Do You Do?

Last night my controller part raised its ugly head. I was checking emails and a note popped up from an acquaintance who wanted to change a meeting date.

As I read the words I could feel my controller part start to rise inside of myself. (what is a part? click here)  This is the part of me that always wants to be in control, wants everything my way and doesn’t like to budge for other people.

Ten years ago my controller was my biggest self saboteur for it was fully present in all areas of my life.

At the time it thought it was helping by protecting me, making me feel safe and  keeping me comfortable by getting people to do things my way. Yes it thought it was showing me love by honoring and watching out for me. The is controller part had a real, “I’ve got your back,” attitude.

But what my controller part was really doing was creating havoc in my life. It sent an energy eminating  from me that people didn’t like; keeping them at distance. It created an energy of force, resistance and hardness in my body and in my life. It made me rigid, unaccommodating, selfish (not a good way), prideful, arrogant and at times belligerent.

This controller while it thought it was helping me created unease in my life. It sabotaged me in friendships, business connections, meetings and at work.

The controller and its effect resulted in behaviors such as arguing, overeating; a militant attitude towards exercise. The result was that I was often tired, depleted, unhappy, unproductive, lacking friends and had a strain on my face and body which was very apparent.

Yes a controlling part can have all of these effects and more on individuals.

I spent much time working on my control part using the Core Belief Engineering technique and have shifted it to a place of camaraderie rather then of distress.

You see there are times when having a controlling attitude or part is good. Like when there is a crisis and everyone around you is falling apart and you rise to the occasion and take control of the situation. Or when you are hosting a workshop or meeting and all eyes are on you to lead the group. To have a part that can assist you in controlling the atmosphere, the agenda, the result of the day is a big thumbs up.

Last night when my control part surfaced,  it was the controller of days of old. I felt the familiar hot flash move through my body which signals to me that it is raising its ugly head. I can physically feel it moving from my stomach up into my throat and then peer out of my eyes. It moved fast and it was ticked off.

As it emerged I was conscious enough to know that I needed to step away from the computer and refrain from responding to the email. I knew that a quick response would have been sent with the wrong tone and vibration and would have done more harm then good.

For 24 hours I restrained myself from response and during that time I looked at the beliefs which were anchoring the rise of the controller.

Digging deep to the core I saw that I didn’t feel valued in the situation. I felt taken advantage of, that this commitment was something I didn’t really want to do in the first place. I didn’t honor myself by saying No the first time around.

And so my controller was coming to the rescue ready to tell this person off and save me from doing something I didn’t want to do.

But I knew that letting my controller loose was not the way to go. It would only result in damage and it wouldn’t have lined up with my purpose and intention of being kind, helpful and moving people forward.

Once I identified these limiting thoughts and beliefs and had a CBE style discussion with my control part it simmered down.

The next morning when I went back to my computer to respond to the email my eyes and mind read the words differently. In the email were words like, I would greatly appreciate it if… I know you have a busy schedule and you are doing this as a favor but would you consider, if you are unable to accommodate us we understand.

I missed those words the first time around when my controller raised its ugly head.

A Controller is an important part of our psyche. It can be a good helpmate and as you can see it can be destructive.

Perhaps you have controlling tendencies or you are living with someone with control issues and it is time to do something about it. Getting to the core, which is at  the the level of belief and making change at that level will create a deep transformation from within which will greatly ease or release your controlling issues and bring peace back into your life.

~Love, Esther

PS. During the Month of February 2012 I am holding a contest. Winner gets a free 30 telephone channeled reading. All you have to do is leave a meaningful comment on this or any other blog post on my site. Good luck!

 

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Comments

  1. As always, great timely posts! I had an instance on Thursday that a customer had deeply offended me, and tried to embarrass, even humiliate me. That evening, I wrote a  scathing email.I had typed out that email, just as I was about to hit “send” a quiet voice told me to stop. Thankfully, I listened. Today, I wrote a new email, with a calmer head. While the email had the same message, the words and attitude of it changed, from a spiteful and nasty tone to a gentle reminder of the rules and codes my establishment must adhere to.

  2. Great read Esther, i had a similar occurence this week with an email and my instant response wouldn’t have been nice – i decided to walk away and not respond right then and then i actually took time to think how the ‘old’ me would have just responded in a negative way

    Although rereading the email the words aren’t any better, it was not a nicely worded email and they were reacting to something that i am unknown to.  BUT what is incredible is i decided to reread and think, maybe this person was under pressure, maybe they were having a bad day, there was definitely an issue behind what this person wrote.

    I am glad i didn’t respond in the first instance and waited to think it all through.

    Thanks again for sharing, as i see the path i am on and the changes happening to me are all positive and giving me much more reward then before.

    Keep smiling:)
    Sandra

  3. Great article Ester! I was reading your post from today and as I got to the bottom, I looked up and saw the title for this one. I have noticed that my controlling side comes out around certain people and through my current relationship have realized that I try to control things too much! I would love to read more about dealing with this side of me 🙂 

    Thanks xo

    • Isn’t it interesting Nicole how our eye catches
      what we need to see at the right time. The controlling aspect of ourselves is helpful but often very limiting and destructive. Good that your recognize this in yoursel.I work with many people on taming their controlling parts.

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