My Deepest Guilt and Shame

 

From the time I was 11 years old to when my father died and I was 22, my dad was everything to me.

I was the ultimate daddy’s girl. Where ever he went I went. I loved him more then anyone else on the planet.

When my parents divorced I chose to stay with my dad because a bond had been formed from childhood that was strong and undeniable. I couldn’t image not being with him.

This does not mean that our relationship was always peaches and cream, for when daughter and father are so close there is bound to be strife and grief.

In fact throughout my angry teenage years, dad took the brunt of my anger.

So when Father’s Day rolls around and my dad is not here to honor and to celebrate, I  look up to the heavens and say, ” Dad I miss you. I wish you were here to see what has become of my life and who I have blossomed into. I am no longer that angry girl.”

While these are beautiful sentiments, for years on Father’s Day I was wracked with guilt and shame.

Why? Not because of the anger I thrusted upon him,  but because as a teen each year on Father’s Day I looked at the act of buying my dad a gift as a burden. I didn’t have much money and the money I did have I wanted to spend on myself buying clothes, concert tickets or beer for partying.

When Father’s Day came around even though I loved my dad dearly, I would find the cheapest gift to give him. I would lay it on the kitchen table so he would find it when he woke up bright and early. He was always grateful and thankful and cherished the card. He never said anything to me about the crappy gift I gave.

When he passed away the guilt and the shame I carried because I didn’t honor my father to the degree he was worthy, overwhelmed me. I held onto the guilt and shame for years.

It was only when I began my journey of change and healing that I was able to release it.

Now in my meditations when I connect with dad I know he holds no ill will towards me. There is only love coming from him to me. He also knows and sees that I have moved beyond my limiting and selfish ways.

Once I forgave myself for the behavior I showed to dad on Father’s Day the guilt and the shame were gone. And I purposed in my heart that I would not allow this same situation to happen with my mom.

And so each Mother’s Day even though dear mom says, “Please don’t buy me anything. I don’t need anything.” I make sure I honor her in some special way.

Through this life situation I learned to honor those I love without ceasing, for you never know when they might slip away.

~Love, Esther

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. It was my first Father’s Day without my Dad. I was the same way,crap card, crap gift. My circumstances were different. With my Dad’s disability he didn’t “do” anything. I could have taken him out for lunch or even for a drive, and that would have made his day! It would have been very difficult for me to do (physically, but I still could have), picking him up, transferring him etc. I took the easy way out, crap card, crap gift. I spent Sunday “talking” to Dad, telling him I’m sorry that I was such a selfish daughter, and I think….no, I know, he holds no ill will. He understands.

  2. It was my first Father’s Day without my Dad. I was the same way,crap card, crap gift. My circumstances were different. With my Dad’s disability he didn’t “do” anything. I could have taken him out for lunch or even for a drive, and that would have made his day! It would have been very difficult for me to do (physically, but I still could have), picking him up, transferring him etc. I took the easy way out, crap card, crap gift. I spent Sunday “talking” to Dad, telling him I’m sorry that I was such a selfish daughter, and I think….no, I know, he holds no ill will. He understands.

  3. Lori Simeunovic says:

    This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing…

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